Maybe We Guys Aren't Really The Commitment Phobes That Some ...

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Posted on July 19, 2012
Filed Under Dating Coaching, Life, Relationship Management | 6 Comments

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Guys: Have you ever been in a relationship with a woman who, perhaps even subtly, is putting the pressure on you to marry her?

If the relationship had been going on for a matter of months (or even years) without you ever mentioning anything about ?future plans?, let alone putting a ring on her finger, you may have been accused of being a ?commitment phobe?.

Perhaps even MORE frustrating to women is when we as guys do talk about the possibility of getting married to them someday, but with a decidedly ?open ended? twist to the conversation.

Maybe you?ve been there before. Heck, maybe you?re there right now.

So what?s the deal? Does she have a point? Are men naturally wired to be mortally afraid of getting into a committed relationship with a woman?

Let?s go ahead and open up that can of worms, because I?m not sure I?ve ever known anyone to have the guts to actually address this topic with some real truth.

Okay ladies, this is the thing. You may have a boyfriend who you?ve been dating for a while, and yes?you may find he?s not asking you to marry him. And it doesn?t look like that?s going to happen anytime soon.

But my challenge to you is this: Is he really a ?commitment phobe? in general, or is he simply terrified of committing to YOU?

By now you should know that both my wife Emily and I are ?equal opportunity? dating coaches. Together we pull for BOTH genders to succeed in dating and relationships. That also means we issue ?tough love? to both men and women as necessary.

And ladies, it?s time for some ?tough love?.

Have you ever known a man to finally break up with a woman he had been dating for a long time but ?afraid? to commit to, yet who was engaged to the very next woman he dated after a just a few WEEKS (or so it seemed)?

I?ve got news for you. He didn?t experience a ?miracle cure? for Commitment Phobia.

I can assure you with nearly 100% certainty he simply found a woman who made him WANT to marry her.

There was no ?miracle cure? because there was never any disease. He was mis-diagnosed from the very beginning.

What?s the diff between women who date ?commitment phobes? and women who rarely, if ever see any verifiable evidence of this ailment?

If you?ve got an open mind toward considering that YOU may have some real, actual control over how things turn out for you in your relationships with men, I can show you TWO very simple distinctions.

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1) Women who men want to keep around long-term are trustworthy

If a man isn?t at all sure that he can trust you, he?s NOT going to marry you. It?s pretty much as simple as that.

We as guys really don?t appreciate being humiliated by anyone, let alone by the woman in our lives who allegedly loves us more than any other.

Trust is called into question whenever a woman embarrasses a man in public, perhaps by starting quarrels around other people or openly questioning his judgment.

Women who operate as if there?s a ?double standard? between what?s appropriate behavior for a woman as opposed to what?s acceptable for a man also undermine their own trustworthiness.

For example, is it okay for you to flirt with the waiter because ?you?d never actually cheat?, but he gets a rolling pin upside the head whenever you even suspect his head just swiveled at the shopping mall?because ?all men are dogs??

If you answered ?yes? to that question, it could be the most significant question you?ll ever have the opportunity to answer ?yes? to, if you get my drift.

A man?s worst fear is getting married to a woman and having her be unfaithful to him?resulting in a long, drawn-out and very expensive divorce suit.

If that?s what he sees coming, suffice it to say he?ll NEVER go there.

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2) Women who men want to keep around long-term GIVE at least as much as they expect to receive

It?s absolutely true that men want to be solid protectors and providers for their families.

But the key is that we want to be duly appreciated for our efforts.

Nearly all the women?s dating advice we?ve ever seen focuses on getting women to see themselves as ?divine goddesses? who can do no wrong in a world where everything is some man?s fault.

I realize this sells books.

But ladies, it won?t ever get a man to take you seriously.

The selfish mindset proffered in the form of the exhortation to ?get what you want? out of a relationship seems to completely overlook the common, basic fact that it takes TWO PEOPLE to form a relationship.

It straight-up doesn?t make a lick of sense to expect that someone is going to come along who is all about meeting all of your needs without expecting any joy and/or fulfillment in return.

Can you imagine the disaster that will ensue if TWO people try to build a relationship on such a shaky foundation?

Oh wait?it happens all the time, unfortunately.

Both men and women want to derive some benefit from a relationship. If a man can see NOTHING about being your future husband that holds any potential for personal satisfaction, then he will NOT marry you.

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Now, I can already hear somebody asking, ?Yeah, well?I?m having sex with him. Isn?t that a ?benefit???

Sex should be a MUTUAL benefit, as opposed to a ?reward? to a man in return for giving a woman whatever else she wants.

If it?s ever occurred to you that ?cheap sex? isn?t fulfilling, then it?ll make sense to you that true fulfillment in a relationship comes with much greater depth.

A man wants a woman who supports him in his dreams and ambitions, who brings him comfort and who adds fun and joy to his life.

If all he encounters is an ?entitlement mentality? without any reciprocation of his generosity in the form of feminine gifts, why should he be excited to be with you long-term?

The best you can expect is for him to stick around for the ?cheap sex??all the while waiting for a ?better option?, even if passively.

Is that last sentence hard to read? You betcha. But it?s the honest truth.

And equally true is this: When that ?better option? comes along, he just might marry her?and fast.

Just like we?ve all known at least one couple who finally broke up after YEARS of dating, we?ve all probably also known a woman or two who couldn?t go out on third dates without men proposing to her.

I?ve just told you the ?secret? difference between those two types of women.

Gentlemen, I know you?re reading this. I?m not going to deny that some of you just aren?t ready to get married yet. But if that describes you, I?m all but sure you?re not getting roped into multi-year exclusive relationships?um, right?

If you?ve actually found that you lack the guts to break up with a woman you should have cut things off with long ago because you either feel like you lack options, fear her emotional response and/or you ?feel sorry for her?; I say it?s time to ?man up?. Not only have you strung her along unnecessarily, you owe her a contrite apology.

But if, on the other hand, you?ve got a girlfriend who is pressuring you to marry her but you?re just not ?feeling it?, I?d encourage you to examine closely whether there?s really anything to all this ?commitment phobe? stuff.

Be Good,

Scot McKay

P.S. Okay, let?s hear what you have to say. Ladies, do I have a point or am I way off? Gentlemen, did I hit the nail on the head here? Anything important I left out?

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